The Locators Never Lie
by HelloI'mMeg
Summary: Three slackers discover that they technically don't have to duel to get into the Battle City finals and hilarity ensues. Vague references to Abridged ensue! T for smoking and some sexy references, a bit of swearing.


_A/N: Long time, no see, ! I've been hard at work with a novel on the way - hopefully, but I figured I'd take a break and write something silly._

 _WARNING: Contains references to smoking and some mild sexy stuff. No smut, though!_

* * *

"Read 'em and weep, boys," Alya pronounced, slapping down two trios of monster cards and one group with a monster, magic, and trap card. "Add 'em up! I can't believe you own one of these by the way," she added, tapping a finger on one of the monsters.

Red Eyes Black Dragon wasn't particularly rare, but a little too pricey for Duncan who regularly spent his minimum wage on weed and cheap snacks.

Duncan had the look of a wild frat boy for all that he didn't go to University with Alya and Nick. Some kind of baseball cap always sat backwards on his head and he was slightly too chunky for his khaki shorts and black t-shirt with two arrows pointed on it. One pointed up to "The Man", the other down to "The Legend".

He shrugged before delving into his bag of chips, "Gift from my grandma. Oooh, a locator card!"

"Give it here. You know these aren't real, right?" Nick chided.

It was true, these were just some promotional items that came with that brand of snacks, some "collect them all", "many will play, few will win" crap.

"Yeah, I know that. I've heard they print a million of one kind and like, two of another, makes it almost impossible to win. Reminds me, how many real cards do we need for this tournament? Four? Eight?"

"Six," Alya corrected, "Wonder if anyone told Kaiba it's exactly like Duelist Kingdom, only it screws with the city traffic."

"Y'know, there are three of us," Nick remarked.

"Yeah, so?" Duncan asked around a mouthful of chips.

"Well, all you need to get to the finals is the cards themselves and we got half of them. Maybe we can get the other three without having to duel at all."

"That's insane!" Duncan cried.

"That's genius," Alya replied.

"Here, hand 'em over."

Nick was thin and wiry and never without some band t-shirt and a flannel to pull over. Even in the hottest weather, he'd simply push up the sleeves. He was the kind of guy who would get shit done, logically and sequentially. No dallying, no excuses, just shove those thick-rimmed glasses up his nose and get down to business.

He turned the transparent cards at an angle in the light, the KC logo shimmering in its repeated pattern, a huge number in the center.

"We have 1, 4, and 5, which means we need 2, 3, and 6. Duncan, van you reach out to some of your buddies and see if any of them are willing to trade? Check Craigslist too, you never know. Alya, remember when we talked about doing card mods?"

"Were we drunk?"

"Probably."

"Then no."

"Well, some people will don't over the cards without wrecking the Industrial Illusions chip. It's not exactly tournament-legal but people will add sparkles or color changes or draw the characters with no clothes on…"

"No! No way!" She held up her arms in an X, "Nuh-uh. I am not putting myself through art school just to turn the Dark Magician Girl into a porno!"

"Aw, c'mon, Aly!" Duncan pleaded, "This could be our chance at fame and fortune! Not to mention close proximity to your man Seto Kaiba!"

Alya did not like the involuntary blush that leapt to her cheeks.

"Wh-what!? He is not my man!"

"No, but you want him to be. I mean, you do have that picture of him on your wall."

"I do not! That's just a flyer for Battle City!"

"And the cologne ad he was in?"

"I- I just liked the design. And the smell is nice… I guess…"

"You clipped an article about his Duelist Kingdom loss and drew little hearts around his picture," Nick added, "And next to no one reads newspapers anymore."

"Sh-shut up!"

Duncan quirked a brow, "Methinks the lady doth protest too much."

"That's not even how it goes, dumbass!" Alya growled, launching a pillow at him which he ducked.

"Anyway, will you do the art for us? It'll go a long way towards getting us some locators," Nick said.

She sighed and crossed her arms, "Fine."

"I'll reach out on some of the forums, I'm higher ranked than either of you so maybe someone can share some spares. Let's clean up these decks so we can get started."

"Aww, but I was winning," Alya whined.

* * *

"I think I just sold a topless card to the most skeevy little boy in existence," Alya announced as she shut the door behind her, "Pretty sure he was one of those high ranking duelists with a theme deck. Bizarre."

"Anyone who takes this game seriously is bound to be a weirdo," Duncan replied.

Nick just glared, "Gee. Thanks."

"You know what I mean. And you don't get all dramatic and weird about it."

Duncan jumped up and snatched a duel disk off the table, barely settling it on his arm. With two fingers he tore a card from the deck, a few others spilling out.

"I cast the Green Face Orange Dragon!" he cried, slamming the card onto the disk's surface so hard it slid off the side.

Alya gasped in mock surprise, "Not the Green Face Orange Dragon! Anything but that!"

"And you activated my trap card in defense mode!"

"All my Life Points! There's none, just like the life I actually have!"

They roared with laughter while Nick just sighed and shook his head.

"Almost makes me think what they're like when they play something normal like Uno," Duncan wondered, "Yugi Motou puts on his stupid dramatic voice, 'I play my Draw Two Card, ending my turn!'."

"He's a top-tier duelist and a favorite to win against Kaiba, you know," Nick reminded them.

"Also a massive dork," Alya added, "Like, what's up with the fetish gear and that pyramid thing he always wears? Kink Tut?"

"You can ask him when we see him at the finals. What locator cards did you get?"

"I've got a 1, a 6, and about 30 bucks," Alya laid her plunder on the coffee table.

"I've got three number 4's, a 3, two 5's and ten bucks, and a magic card in Swedish. I'm not actually sure which one." Duncan announced.

"Is it a moose stampede?" Nick asked.

"Don't think so."

"How'd you get all this?" Alya wanted to know.

"Bought a lot from Kristoff this year, he threw in some freebies," Duncan said.

"Y'know what they would call you in the 60s? A 'wasteoid'."

"I prefer 'junkie', that way I don't forget that I'm white trash. Not that you're one to talk."

"What, I'm trashy?"

He shook his head and exhaled a silvery stream of smoke, "Nah, I mean you're a stoner."

"Oh, yeah. Pass it here?"

Gently, he slipped her the streaming roll.

"What're we gonna do about that last card?" Alya asked.

"Like, a dragon card?" Duncan wondered, voice already heavy with THC.

Alya shook her head, "Nah, somethin' else."

"She means the last locator card, ironically Number 2," Nick supplied, "Looking at Craigslist, they're a bit pricey."

"How much we talkin'?" Alya asked.

Nick briefly sifted through the paltry collected change on the table, "Too much. Some people must be close to finals, everyone's gotta be scrambling."

"Can we sell some of our duplicates?"

"eBay's gonna be too slow, all we can do is hope someone might swap, but I'm not sure how many duellists are left in the tournament and how many would be willing to trade."

"Yeah, prolly only the goody goody nerds are left," Duncan giggled.

"This might be it, you guys," Nick solemnly replied, "We can keep an eye out but shouldn't hope for too much."

Duncan stood up. He took the joint out from between his lips and plunked it into the ashtray. Without a word he walked out the door.

* * *

"What about putting this magic card with this monster? Because of its special ability?" Alya wondered.

"Oh yeah! Why didn't I see that?" Nick replied. "But what if they have a dispelling card?"

"Then I'll just sacrifice and summon bigger fish."

"I'm just hoping they won't make us shuffle in the finals."

"You guys are nerds," Duncan announced as he breezed through the door.

"Dude, where did you go?" Nick asked.

"Got your dumb card," he replied, tossing the thing onto the table, thoroughly disrupting their planning.

"Whoa!" Nick picked it up and turned it in the light, sure enough the KC logo flashed, "How did you get this?"

"Sold somethin' to some annoying kid, one of those 'I'm a champion so I can be weird' people. Can't wait for them all to get the hell out of the city."

"What could you possibly sell to afford this, man?"

"Eh. The Red-Eyes Black Dragon."

* * *

Alya, Nick, and Duncan strode into the KC Stadium, the lights dark, no one there.

"Dude, only Seto Kaiba could hold a tournament where no one would want to go to the finals," Duncan giggled.

Alya elbowed him sharply, "Shut up, nimrod. They're still building this stadium, remember?"

"Then why did our locator cards lead us here?" Nick wondered.

Suddenly, all the lights began to snap to life, one by one.

"I thought I heard something," someone's voice said to the emptiness, "No one should be here yet."

It was him, Seto Kaiba, halfway across the stadium grounds!

"What about us ya idiot? We got our fancy cards and everything!" Duncan announced, beginning to race his way over, the other two following.

"I don't know you, which means you can't possibly be good enough duellist to make it to the top."

Seto Kaiba was much less attractive in person, which was more than slightly disappointing. He looked like he had barely gotten over a bad case of acne and might have actually been wearing a bit of makeup to cover it.

His eyes were a remorseless blue and an arrogant sneer seemed permanently etched into his face like an ancient statue of a cruel king. Not to mention that when he - quite literally - looked down on you, you could see straight up his beaky nose.

Eugh. Alya almost wished he'd stayed in her mind as cool and thoughtful-looking as he did in that stupid cologne ad.

"Hey, we have the cards, jackass!" Nick shouted, waving them in the air.

"And we were invited to Duellist Kingdom!" Alya added.

Kaiba narrowed his icy blue eyes, "You mean you were kicked off of Duellist Kingdom for illicit activity. Doesn't seem very professional to me."

She gulped. Alya did not like thinking about that night. They were nervous, they were beyond exhausted from the boat ride, not to mention that the handle of vodka they'd snuck in wasn't gonna drink itself.

Pegasus and all his flamboyant glory had them all on edge, so when Duncan went off to harass some poor blonde ting in a corset, Alya and Nick set off to prove they were very straight.

"So much for not knowing about us!" Alya countered, her face growing redder by the moment.

"Listen, all I know is that your record doesn't impress me," Kaiba growled, "In fact, I don't see any proof that you duelled in this tournament at all. Therefore I'd like to challenge you. A true duellist never backs down from a test of skill."

Mic dropped. Gauntlet thrown.

"Wait, all three of us? Or like, two on two or something?" Duncan asked.

"What are you talking about? Only one of you can advance to the finals," he waved a hand dramatically, "Make your choice!"

"Alya, go."

"What? No! This is your big chance to make up for what happened at Duelist Kingdom!"

Nick smiled, if a bit sadly, "Yeah, but you have a better mind for this kinda stuff. You could outrank me easily if you just played as much and put some cash into your deck."

"No way. No. I can't. You're the duelist, not me."

She tried to shove the deck into his hands, but he pushed back.

"Here, take these, this is the strategy you came up with earlier," Nick drew a handful of cards from his fanned deck, "Put it between that monster you have with the redraw ability."

"Here, lemme see what I got," Duncan said.

"Can we hurry this up? This is becoming a colossal waste of my time," Kaiba grumbled.

"Oh, shut your pie hole, you got all night!"

Nick again shoved the deck towards her, "You now have the combined strength of all our best cards and we're right here with you."

"Fine," Alya growled, snatching the deck from his hands and shoving it into her duel disk.

"Kick his ass, Aly!" Duncan shouted as she stepped up to the proverbial plate.

"Show that rich boy some real dueling!" Nick cried.

"Then smooch 'im!" Duncan added.

"WILL YOU GIVE IT A REST?"

Suddenly, she felt very serious, very focused. Determination and drive welled up inside her very core. She could do this. She _would_ do this.

Is this feeling why duelists were always so dramatic?

She felt like a woman possessed, like all of a sudden she wanted to be just like them, all flair and intense.

Alya brought up her duel disk parallel to her body as it activated and spun into place before holding it level to her chest.

"Let's duel!"

* * *

 _A/N: Thank you so much for reading! Please feel free to add a review, I'd appreciate it lots!_


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